Arriving at Acceptance

By Stephanie Olson and Karen Putz, H&V Headquarters

H&V Communicator – Fall 2018

Carrie Spangler’s article (Getting to Acceptance in this issue) created a conversation that challenged several seasoned D/HH adults to inquire when their own parents may have become comfortable and accepting of their adult child’s journey.  Carrie eloquently shared that perhaps her parents would have been “okay” with her hearing earlier if they had met other D/HH adults and parents.  Those of us identified later in childhood and prior to the arrival of NBHS (Newborn Hearing Screening) and EHDI (Early Hearing Intervention and Detection) recognize that our parents’ road could have been easier with today’s support, resources and a parent-driven organization like Hands & Voices. Acceptance isn’t so much an arrival but a process in itself. As Karen says, “the journey of raising a child who is deaf/hard of hearing is an intensely personal one”.  Hands & Voices reached out to today’s parents about where they were on the acceptance continuum.  We also went back and asked a few of those “seasoned” D/HH adults so that we could shine a light on the work and commitment that our own parents began which motivates us in today’s work and commitment to families and children.

Only a small fraction of comments and stories that were shared are listed below. We hope to publish many responses to this question on the Raising and Educating a Deaf Child Blog in the near future. Here are some answers that spoke to us showing the wide variety of the experience of acceptance.

“I realized I had reached some acceptance of my child’s deafness or hearing loss when________.”

Reality:               

• I had an official diagnosis.
• I was relieved to have a reason for what we were seeing and more education about hearing.
• I accepted it immediately so that I could move forward and educate myself for my child, as denial gives no benefit to anyone.

Emotions:

• When I was no longer angry! It took a long time to get there–probably 7+ years.
• Once I let go of feeling embarrassed and to be open about it.
• When others’ lack of acceptance becomes your moment of acceptance!

Communication:

• I realized that I accepted my child’s hard of hearing journey when she answered audible questions in sign language.
• When our child was able to tell us her needs and wants.

Perceptions:

When I stopped blaming myself and realizing that she was extra special.

• I let go of the idea of what a “normal” child should be.
• I realized I had accepted my child’s hard of hearing journey when I could tell our story to other parents and not cry, but smile… because the journey had made us so much stronger.
• When I realized my strong, intelligent, beautiful girl; full of personality, can do anything anyone else can.

Technology:

• When I came home with a TTY, my mom seemed to accept me as a D/HH person.
• When our daughter realized that she needed her hearing aids and liked hearing.

Connections:

• When I had connected with parents and d/hh families, deaf adults and providers to learn from and feel supported. Transformational learning cannot be done in isolation.

Goals:

• My mom is a “do-er” and tends to jump into action. I don’t think she had time to think about acceptance whereas my dad still cries at times.   (I don’t think either way to approach this is better or worse than the other.)

Not there yet:

• Me tomo como 6 años, aceptarque el tenia perdida de audición bilateral y al séptimo año nació mi niña con el mismo problema y para mi fue muy duro, ella tiene 4 años, y el niño, 10 años. Creo que no lo he aceptado completamente, aún me pregunto por que?
  (In English) It took me about six years to accept that he had bilateral hearing loss and in the seventh year my daughter was born with the same problem. For me, it was very hard. She is now four and he is ten-years-old. I think I have not accepted it completely. I still wonder why?
• Honestly, I’m not sure if I have fully accepted it yet. Going on three years now. I am waiting for the day to talk about it without crying. Y’all give me hope.

Advocacy and Independence:

• I think when I was able to truly accept my son’s hearing was when I began to see that he was accepting it.  When I saw him in action describing his hearing or his technology, that’s when I knew it was going to be okay.
• My daughter forgot some of her ski gear and independently went to the lost and found and asked if they had what she needed.  Later I saw her skiing down the mountain. This didn’t have to do with her hearing but her ability to be independent.

Life: Acceptance seems to come in waves. There are days that catch me completely off guard and the emotions that I felt when she was first identified come flooding back. This will be a lifelong process.

We agree that no matter where you are on the acceptance continuum, your kids benefit from parents seeking information and support. As Lady Gaga says, (singer and founder of the Born This Way Foundation), “Acceptance, tolerance, bravery, compassion; these are the things my mom taught us.” These are the things we are all still learning.  ~