Deaf/Hard of Hearing Plus

Finding Your Oxygen Mask: A Top Ten List for Parent/Caregivers

By Candace Lindow-Davies, H&V Headquarters

Being the parent of a child who is Deaf/Hard of Hearing “Plus” is a big task. Add the demand for constant vigilance about health, mental health and learning challenges our child may have to their already existing communication/advocacy needs and you get the perfect storm for parental stress on a whole other level. Thankfully, our “Plus” children are often also a deep source of pride, humor, lessons learned, connections to amazing people and acts of kindness we never expected from our parenting role. We expected some sleepless nights and crazy teenage years, but caregiving a child who is “Plus” is much more than the average expectations. So, how do we manage to bolster ourselves up to be ready for the tough times…the chronic nature of the “Plus” parenting role? 

1. Breathe. Literally. Focus on the present. Meditation has been proven to be an effective tool to reduce stress and manage depression. Explore in-person and on-line coaching and classes or check out apps on your cell phone. Often the scariest part of parenting a “Plus” child is worrying about the future. Yes, we all need to take steps to prepare ourselves, our family and our child for the future, but we also need to remember simply, “What do I need to do today?”  Find that oxygen mask (you remember the airline attendant speech) and stay in the moment.
2. Schedule your own time out. Look into Personal Care Attendant time, if your child qualifies. Ask a trusted friend, family member or a retired professional who may have offered. Your time to rejuvenate is not a luxury or an indulgence. It’s a necessary part of recharging your batteries for the times when all your energy is needed.
3. Expand your network. Join the Hands & Voices Deaf/Hard of Hearing Plus Facebook group. Join a local support group in-person or online.
4. Practice self-forgiveness. None of us are perfect parents and having a “Plus” kiddo may put even more pressure on our need to effectively parent. Some days, you just won’t have the reserves you may have on other days. On those days, actively stop and simply forgive yourself. No one benefits from beating yourself up about how it could have gone better. Learn from what happened and move on.
5. Foster independence. The more we invest in helping our children do tasks for themselves, even the tiniest acts (which we may think we can do faster or better…let it go!), the better. This will help them grow and provide us with peace of mind when we are not able to be with them.
6. Ask for help. This could come in the form of take out food, saying no to a commitment or asking for a good recommendation of a therapist for you or for your family. This is not a sign of weakness or not being able to cope. This is a smart move to ensure you make your personal health a priority. Your health insurance provider or other local “Plus” parents or Parent Training Information Centers (PTIs) can be a great place to start.
7. Prioritize sleep. Maybe this comes with #7 or #2 above.
8. Find yourself. So often when we have children, our time available to do the things we love is reduced. Have a “Plus” kiddo, and you may not have done anything for yourself since the day of the “Plus” was identified. Find a way to bring one small, tiny even, interest that you once had back into your life to give you the pleasure you so deserve.
9. Embrace the humor. Parenting is serious business and we sure take our kids seriously!  But honestly, “Plus” family life is pretty…well…hilarious!  We know we stick out in public. We know our kids come with their own “entourage” for simple medical appointments. Find the humor in it!  Introduce yourself as your child’s personal manager and all requests for interviews go through you. (See what looks you get!) Get your child and family in on the fun. Why not. Life is short and FAR too serious!
10. Express gratitude. Consider a gratitude journal or app. Make a point to tell those who have helped you, just how much this help has meant. Close your eyes and imagine the world without the people who have come into it because of your “Plus” child. This can help remind us of the good in ourselves, our child, our community and our experience.

And if you’re an ally to a Plus parent, jump in and help when you can. Give that parent a break in watching their kiddo, lend an ear, drop off a meal, invite them out for an hour of precious time away, send an encouraging text/card/email. Don’t wait for an ask, just do. They can always say no. And while I’m at it, let me share my gratitude to all of you who stepped into my life because of my son who is “Plus.”  We are so very thankful for the gift of…you.   ~

H&V Communicator – Winter 2020