A Father Looks Back

By Todd Luther, Nebraska H&V

Anyone who has kids knows they don’t come with instructions.  And no two are alike.  All of us do the best we can, figuring it out as we go, one day at a time.

I have some experience by now being a dad. A little background may be helpful.  I’m married to my soulmate, Stacy. We have four children together: Chase, 21, Brady 19, Austin 18, and Hope who is 10. I also have an older son who recently turned 37.

Chase has typical hearing.  Brady is hard of hearing in one ear.  Austin is deaf and Hope is hard-of-hearing with microtia and atresia. Three kids who all have hearing loss but are completely different.

Here is what I’ve learned.  When it comes to parenting, we all struggle from time to time. Obviously, kids with any kind of special needs present unique challenges. In addition to being deaf, Austin has some unique learning needs. Hope was adopted at almost age 3 and faced a big learning curve with language. While Brady was gifted academically, he has his own struggles with his type of unilateral loss that involves frequent surgeries for cholesteatoma. He will have to go for six-month rechecks for the rest of his life.

When we first found out that Austin was deaf, in my mind there was a simple solution. He would get cochlear implants and he’d be ‘fixed’.  I’m not trying to offend anyone by using the word ‘fixed.’ I know I was very naïve back then. Stacy had a very different perspective and immersed herself in research. To be clear, my wife carried most of the load. She was home with our kids and was their first teacher.

Over time, reality set in for me and it became very overwhelming. A huge turning point for me was meeting other parents of deaf kids, especially those who had “been there, done that”. We met a couple 30 miles away from us, and they had a child who was deaf and used bilateral implants. The toddler was roughhousing and the magnet came off. He slipped his magnet back on and returned to playing. I figured we were capable of handling what was ahead and so was Austin when I saw that kid.

Now, Austin is 18. He has been driving (with a learner’s permit) for 3+ years; and that timeline works for both him and us. He graduated from Iowa School of the Deaf last spring and will be attending Bobcat Academy soon, which is a post-graduation program focusing on life skills and job skills until age 21. I’m very proud of him!  Brady is entering his sophomore year in college and enjoyed playing football from third grade through high school and participating in track and field. He excels academically. Hope has played four seasons of flag football and is enjoying basketball, soccer and softball. She continues going to outside speech therapy and is working at or near grade level in school. She likely has an oral surgery in her future. I am proud of all of them.

If I had it to do over again:

• I would work much harder to become fluent in sign.  (My biggest regret.)
• I would try to see life from my kids’ perspectives, especially how Austin sees the world.
• I would be more patient and understanding.
• I would educate myself more on each of Austin’s ‘differences.’  For a long time, I think I was in denial about the significance of each of his needs. I probably still have some level of denial. He continues to teach me, as all my kids do.
• I would have sought opportunities to meet parents like us much earlier.

No one’s kids come with instructions. It is important to learn from those mistakes, own ‘em and move on.

I’m very blessed.  I love each of my kids endlessly.  Our journey is far from over, but I know we’ll be just fine living one day at a time, surrounded by friends and family.

Having children who are deaf/hard of hearing gave us the opportunity to meet a whole host of people we wouldn’t have gotten to know otherwise. That’s just one more reason to be grateful.

If I was talking to a brand-new dad today, I would tell him to treat his child like any other child; they can figure out any obstacle together. I would encourage him to surround himself with opportunities to meet other families. That is one of the most important efforts of the H&V Chapter.   ~

Editor’s note:  Luther is married to Stacy Luther, a parent representative on the Nebraska H&V board, and EHDI Outreach Coordinator. Interested in learning more from experienced fathers?

Check out the Father’s Onboarding Checklist (now available in Spanish) at https://handsandvoices.org/virtual-waiting-room/docs/P2P_DadsChecklist.pdf

H&V Communicator – Fall 2024