So Close yet so Far
By Kristen Stratton, H&V Military Project
When I met and married my husband, he was fresh out of boot camp, and I was fresh out of college. We eagerly anticipated all the adventures the military life would bring us. Cue the first deployment to Afghanistan which occurred four weeks after our oldest child was born…man, oh man were we naïve. Two more kids and a few more combat and overseas deployments later, and not only were we a seasoned military couple, but we were also seasoned parents; or so we thought. It is amazing how life can turn out to be not only the opposite of what you envisioned, it was not even on our radar that we would end up having three children with a disability of one kind or another.
After being married 13 years, we are currently in our eleventh month of living apart as my husband completes unaccompanied orders on the other side of the planet. I am holding down the fort here at home, going to IEP meetings, homeschooling during a pandemic, taking our DeafDisabled little one to specialists three hours away, and preparing for his upcoming brain surgery.
This is all because of the EFMP status held by our children. You see, when a child or any dependent of a service member has a disability, the military branches of the Department of Defense (it’s a different title for our Coast Guard families as they are the Department of Homeland Security), require them to enroll in something called the Exceptional Family Member Program (EFMP).
The EFMP child or family member’s file is reviewed each time the service member is reviewed for new orders, especially if those orders are outside of the continental United States (OCONUS). This file is updated every three years and includes medical records, attestations from doctors about the diagnoses, prognoses, and the child’s needs. It also includes 504 plans and IEPs for dependents who are still in school.
Those documents are reviewed to determine if the medical, educational, and housing needs can be accommodated at the new potential duty station.
I am sure the minute someone read, “brain surgery,” on our file, their eyeballs doubled in size and a big red felt stamp was marked on the cover, “denied.”
Overall, the intent and purpose of the EFMP program is to support military families with dependents who have disabilities to ensure they receive all necessary services during a tour of duty. The challenge of being a military family is trying to remain competitive in a career which both requires and values frequent movement by service members while providing stability for kids who need it badly.
It’s an additional challenge for a family like ours because we want to lock in lifetime benefits like a pension and maintain health insurance well after my husband retires. Not only for ourselves, but for our youngest child who may require permanent dependency. The pressure to finance the retirement costs of three people, including a child who is likely to outlive us, is intense.
That said, not being able to go to all the duty stations which would be advantageous for my husband’s career can really derail that plan. That is why we are living apart, for now. We were issued “unaccompanied orders.” This means that my husband is stationed in a foreign company for a period of one year (though that one year is not necessarily the timeline given to others on such orders) so that he can diversify his career portfolio and I am home keeping three kids alive. No pressure, right?
As you can imagine, this is not easy on any of us. It’s not easy on our kids, on me, on my husband, on the dogs, on neighbors, friends and family who step up to help. We see the ripple effect of living apart for so long in our kid’s school performance, mental health and in our marriage.
Our home front is our everything when my husband is away. I am so blessed to have friends and family who learned to sign for my Deaf sons so they don’t feel isolated in their home. I am so grateful to the amazing DHH teacher on my children’s IEP team. I am so overwhelmed by how much my children’s school administrators and staff receive my children with love and give grace on days when they are angry and just want their dad back. I appreciate my fellow DHH military spouses who check in on me, send my child comfy pajamas to wear for his extended hospital stays, and pray for me. I am grateful to live in an area with resources for my DeafDisabled child. Respite is a life saver! EFMP also has a respite program, but it really needs an overhaul. There are amazing military spouses on nonprofit boards advocating for just that!
It takes work to keep a family going when you can only communicate on Facetime for a few minutes a day. Did I also mention the time difference? It’s day here when it is tomorrow night, there.
That said, we are so grateful that this option was even available to us. We hope and pray this will have been worth the sacrifice and my husband will be retained and promoted just one more time until he can officially retire. I have to laugh at the thought of that. I love him dearly, but there is NO way he is going to be home all day with me when he hits that 20-year mark. He needs a hobby or something!
We were also blessed to afford for him to come home twice on leave. That was another crazy adventure as international travel during a pandemic with lock downs, mandatory quarantines, expensive COVID testing, and expensive flights. It was worth every hug and kiss my kids got from their dad during those short visits.
Would we do it again? Yes. Do we want to? No. We will do just about anything to ensure the prosperity of our family, ensure our children receive the educational and medical services they need, and reach our goal of providing for our DeafDisabled son in the long-term.
This life is not at all the life we thought we would experience when we were newlyweds, but I would say “yes” to that man again every day. Even though we are far from each other, this experience has brought us closer than ever. ~
Editor’s note: Stratton currently serves on the California H&V ASTra Advocacy team. Learn more about the Hands & Voices Military Project here: https://handsandvoices.org/resources/military/index.html
H&V Communicator – Winter 2022