Rekindling Joy

By Melinda Ray, Texas H&V

It arrived. It finally arrived! The 8-inch by 5-inch booklet I had ordered titled “Fostering Joy: A Reflective Journal” looked too simple for what I needed. I was desperate, though. Days before when I had perused the content of www.handsandvoices.org, I came across the brightly orange-lettered section titled “Welcome to Fostering Joy” and stopped. Joy? Celebrating the joy of raising a child who is deaf or hard of hearing? How had I gone so far down the rabbit hole that I no longer focused on those special moments with my son Ryan?

My son, Ryan–with his blond hair, blue eyes, and adorable dimples like Daddy. Oh, he is a joy in my life!  But, somehow in the last six months, I had forgotten that. Would this journal help me recapture those feelings? Ryan, precocious and intelligent as can be, has always had behavioral challenges in school. He completes his schoolwork quickly and wants to move through things faster than the class. He does not like waiting (takes after me) and, let’s face it, there is a lot of waiting for one’s turn in elementary school. His hearing loss makes first grade even more challenging. It is a lot of different issues interwoven and interdependent on each other that seem to ebb and flow. But lately, the constant flood tides have almost capsized this mother’s boat one too many times.

The copious critical comments on Ryan’s daily behavioral charts were difficult to stomach. This was not as bad as seeing my son’s face when I picked him up after school. His face was a constant crumble of sorrow and shame, and this mother’s heart broke each and every day for months. My husband and I tried everything: punishment (loss of iPad & television), retelling/reframing the story, reading social stories, praying, talking, learning calming methods, writing letters of apology, and more. What made it so difficult was Ryan was not a bad child or bad student. He just had poor impulse control and acted rashly. Immediately afterwards, when he calmed down, he could use any one of the methods he learned to make the right choice–but never in the heat of the moment. I was getting so stressed out over Ryan’s constant misbehavior at school that, at some point, I stopped seeing Ryan and started focusing on those misbehaviors.

I lost sight of my sweet seven-year-old boy who wants to marry his older sister, Rebecca (age 8 ½) so they can take care of their younger brother, Riley (age 5 ½), who has Autism. I lost sight of my superhero son who shares his favorite cookies and toys even when he really doesn’t want to. I lost sight of my funny jokester whose made-up jokes could quickly bring a smile to a sloth. Ryan is enthralled with Trolls. He particularly likes Guy Diamond who farts glitter dust. One day, Ryan was playing outside, and he asked me, “Do you know why snowmen fart?” They farted? I did not know that. So, no, I do not know why snowmen fart. Ryan looked down and back at me again with a smile on his face and said, “To make snow!!!” That’s my Ryan.

“Welcome to Fostering Joy” is a family/professional movement backed by research. One such research study resonated with me–taking care of my youngest son with Autism has had a huge negative impact on the quality of our family life. I knew Ryan felt badly about his younger brother’s Autism. He asks, “What if we do this?” a lot to help make things better for Riley. Another piece of research really hit this mother’s heart hard. My high level of stress – notably how I react to this stress – may be contributing to Ryan’s emotional difficulties at school. Wow. Bullseye!

I needed to change my reaction to Ryan and fast! I started with reviewing the content of “Welcome to Fostering Joy” (which includes the webpage, PowerPoint, and handout) and jotting down little tidbits to help me see Ryan again. Bask in joy. Relish the small moments. Find delight in Ryan’s progress. Do something enjoyable with Ryan no matter what. Next, I turned to page one in the journal and started recapturing all that makes up my sweet wonder, Ryan.

It wasn’t overnight. It took longer than a few weeks. But, one day, it happened.

Now, when we review his behavior chart, we focus on the things he did correctly. We still discuss the rules he broke, and we retell the story how it should have happened, but it is different now. Now, it’s “Hey you earned a star in math! Tell me about that,” and, “Wow! You earned a star in recess. I know that is hard for you. I’m proud of you.”

I am not sure why I fell down that rabbit hole, but its descent was deep and terrifying. It is not one I will take again. Journaling reminds me of the joy that is Ryan. He is my beloved son with a kind, sweet heart and a fascination for all things space. Oh, his behavior at school? It finally turned around. Once we started looking for all the stars he earned on his behavioral chart, Ryan started focusing on earning more and more stars. It was simply just a matter of seeing Ryan again to help those stars come out.   ~

Editor’s note: Ray is an ASTra advocate and the Vice President of Texas Hands & Voices.

H&V Communicator – Summer 2021