Socialization: Challenge Accepted!

By Andrea Marwah, Illinois H&V 

Socialization for children is a natural adaptation to the world and people around them.  Children grow up learning by observing others.  A big part of learning by observing is the language we use and how we use that language.  Why is socialization so important?  It is our bridge to happiness and success as humans.  Friendships provide children with insights regarding rules in different social situations, opportunities to navigate through social conflict and ensure that we are aware of the social norms during interaction.  Let’s not stop there. What about the economic factor?  Our kids need to understand how to interact with different people.  An employee communicating with a boss is a different interaction than a child interacting with a sibling, parent, or friend.  Research shows that individuals who are Deaf or hard of hearing are more likely to lose a job because of these unwritten social reasons rather than poor job performance.

Many of our children can struggle socially.  They may enter grade school and have numerous friends, but often as they near 5^th or 6^th grade, that number has greatly decreased. In some cases, our children feel alone, with no real friends to speak of or very few.  What could be causing this?  In many instances it is simply that our children have not acquired the ability to “read” social nuances required to make and keep lasting relationships.  In the research study, The Development of Pragmatics in Children with Hearing Loss by Christine Yoshinaga-Itano PhD, Allison Sedey PhD, Rosalinda Baca PhD, Dianne Goberis MA, Amanda Abrisch BA and Molly Dalpes BA, one of the conclusions found that there is a “need to support pragmatic skill development in children with hearing loss to reduce risk for socioemotional deficits and victimization”.  Without directly teaching pragmatic or social language, children who are deaf/hard of hearing (d/hh) often have difficulty with social interactions. These behaviors are learned much easier and earlier by hearing peers.

As a mother to three children ranging in age from 13-18, I know firsthand how different social development is for a child who is deaf compared to those who are hearing.  My 18-year-old daughter has struggled since 4^th grade with friendships and social situations.  With our daughter, we learned that typical social development was not her typical.  We had to stretch to meet her needs in ways we may not have always been comfortable with.  We had to listen to her needs, really listen…and closely observing and dialoguing with her about what we saw in social interactions. We had to be okay that she wasn’t going to be one of the 30 kids in the prom group pictures on Facebook, or that she wasn’t going to run with the popular crowd.  She may have very few friends, but those she has are solid.  We had to really listen to her about what social situations were comfortable and which were not.  From a very young age we required her to seek help at stores, order her own food and seek answers to questions that we could have probably answered easily.  I am glad we did that because to watch her as a young woman navigating her next life steps, we know we did it right.  We had to be okay that she preferred graphic novels to chapter books. Reading is reading after all and the more we read the more we understand social norms.    What I wish we had done from the start is to talk about social situations more.  I wish we had ensured that she was observant in all situations, understanding what she might miss so that she wouldn’t miss or misread social cues.  Roleplaying would have been helpful to teach her about different situations and that not all conflict is bad conflict.  She is and has always been quick to blatantly state her opinions and feelings; we should have given more scenarios where we might have helped her navigate responding so that she doesn’t give up on someone because of a difference in opinion or misunderstanding.  That’s where you come in.  I can help you to ensure that your son or daughter develop a healthy social skill and learn the nuances of making and keeping relationships.

How can a parent help?

Children who are d/hh often miss verbal cues, or they may miss observing an interaction because they aren’t aware it is happening.  Hearing children just “notice” things around them easily, almost subconsciously and develop socially with that information more naturally.  As a parent of a child who is d/hh, you need to work harder to ensure the healthiness of your child’s social wellbeing.  So, what can you do?  Teach, show, and model social behaviors all the time.  Teach them what is appropriate in a given social scenario. Teach them that other people have feelings and emotions relating to any social interaction, just like they do.  Wikipedia defines Theory of Mind as “the ability to attribute mental states — beliefs, intents, desires, emotions, knowledge, etc. — to oneself, and to others, and to understand that others have beliefs, desires, intentions, and perspectives that are different from one’s own”.  Many children who are D/hh have weak Theory of Mind skills.  Understanding that helps you to do what needs to be done to ensure social success.  In their Development of Social Understanding in Children with Hearing Loss: Implications for Audiologists by Mary Pat Moeller and Brenda Schick, the authors state “Communication requires more than knowledge of grammar and the world; it also entails our understanding of social interaction. A key element contributing to communicative success is people knowledge. People knowledgeis the ability to predict or explain others’ behaviors with reference to what others are thinking, believing or feeling. Social reasoning ability often is called mindreading or “Theory of Mind”.

Here are some tips you can use to ensure your child is on target with social norms:

• Provide many real-life opportunities to develop language
• Model reading and read together. Ensure your child is understanding what they read. Don’t jump to chapter books if they aren’t ready. Picture books “show” the story and are easy to explain. Let children choose books of interest to them.
• Teach your child words for emotions, what they are and what they mean Use emotions and expression (remember facial expression is key for those using ASL, but it’s also important with spoken English). If you mom told you to “stop making those faces or your face will stick like that”, forget it and do it anyway. Expression is key to our child understanding feeling words. 
• Express your own feelings in situations (if you are angry that you were just cut off in traffic, tell your child what happened, how you feel and why you feel that way. Children assume that parents are angry or upset because of something the child did, so be sure to explain the story vs. saying “never mind”.)
• Think and express how the other person in a situation may feel (tell your child why that person may have cut you off, there could be something else going on…what could it be?  Believe it or not, this will cool you off too!)
• Use many different feeling words all day long, here are a few:  Proud, Delighted, Brave, Cheerful, Confident, Worried, Satisfied, Joyful, Frightened, Calm, Excited, Confused, Frustrated, Curious, Friendly, Shy, Ignored, Lonely, Interested, Embarrassed, Jealous, Angry, Impatient, Alarmed, Intrigued, Responsible, Blue, Thankful, Strong, Annoyed, Defeated, Anxious, Nervous, Bored, Surprised, Silly, Uncomfortable, Stubborn, Safe, Relieved, Peaceful, Overwhelmed, Loving/Loved, Cranky, Timid, Grouchy, Cozy, Furious, Grateful
• Also use words about thinking: Dream, hope, expect, wish, opinion, think, know, believe, remember, guess, suppose, forget, pretend, predict, figure, confuse, realize, bet, doubt, “get it”, truth, fiction, exaggerate, understand and misunderstand. What other words can you add to your daily conversation?
• Find pictures in magazines or on the internet and talk about the social interactions that are occurring: what’s happening in a picture; what are they feeling, thinking, wanting; what are they communication (saying or what are their facial expressions saying)
• Role play – stop and ask about feeling and thoughts in a situation
• Talk about books, movies, TV shows, videos. Why do the characters act the way they do? What do they and don’t they know about each other that would be helpful? 
• Talk out loud when you are problem solving

There are so many ways we can help our children develop strong social skills.  In the end it will result in lasting friendships, successful careers and healthy family lives.  Explain the world around them; fill in what they are missing.  Pre-empt social isolation from happening, it’s never too early to start modeling social interactions, how others may feel and how we are supposed to act depending on the interaction at hand.  It’s never too soon or too late to start.  You can begin by telling them what you just read, how it makes you feel and then ask them if you can read this article together.  Once you do, ask them how they feel.  You may find out something you didn’t know about your child.  For a list of resources please contact us at ilhandsandvoices@gmail.com.  ~

H&V Communicator – Winter 2019-20